Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
