I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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