Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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