I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
