I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
