According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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