I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
