i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
zippers are such a cool invention
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
