Already got asked if we're dating
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
