Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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