this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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