I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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