I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
