Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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