As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
