She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
They took my balls.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
