I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
