so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
