I'm pants shitting drunk right now
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
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I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
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After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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