how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
