I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I have already put on my inside pants.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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