Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
PANTIES FOUND
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
