well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
