Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
