i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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