the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
