i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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