The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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