I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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