STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
