How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
