You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
