omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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