I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
