1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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