All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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