Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
