you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
