if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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