Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
