I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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