A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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