Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
