I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
