Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
