i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
