I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
