God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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