I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
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Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
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Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.