mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
