Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
