I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
