I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
