Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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