someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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