I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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