How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
