I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
